


In sickness and in health

by annebenedicte



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 14:28:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19770145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annebenedicte/pseuds/annebenedicte
Summary: why Alex  is back in Holby - my second take on the issue





	In sickness and in health

Alex took a deep breath and strode in the hospital’s lobby. Once again, she was struck by the lack of security that allowed anyone to walk in, but then, of course, this was a civilian hospital. The last weeks had taken their toll on her, and under her eyes, deep shadows matched her dark hair. For the umpteenth time, she wondered what she was doing there – her duty, she supposed. After all, that’s what had been drummed into them ever since Sandhurst – courage, discipline, integrity, loyalty…She was there for loyalty’s sake – even though it hurt. But she would fulfil her promise. There was no time to lose.

“In arduis fidelis – faithful in adversity” The RAMC motto had never made more sense. This was one of the most difficult things she had ever had to do in her life. Alex found AAU without too much difficulty, and the office where a short-haired blonde was hunched over her computer. The door was ajar, so she just walked in. Serena raised her eyes at the intrusion and looked at the intruder silently. Alex observed the woman she had never met, but whom she felt she knew intimately. Serena cleared her throat: “You’re – Major Dawson, right? I’ve seen your picture.” Bernie didn’t keep many pictures with her – the Army had taught her the art of travelling light – but the picture of the two women in uniform, posing in front of a Medevac chopper, had been serving as a bookmark in Bernie’s favourite book.

“Alex, please – and I’ve seen yours.”

The two women fell silent, an awkward silence fast becoming stifling in the small office. Finally, Serena cleared her throat: “What can I do for you, Alex?”

“You can come back to Nairobi with me.”

Serena just stared at her, open-mouthed: “I’m sorry?”

“She wants you there, Serena – she wants to see you one last time.”

“What?”

“Berenice – Grizelda – Wolfe – wants – to – see – you – one – last – time – before – she – dies,” enunciated Alex between gritted teeth.

“But – but Cameron never said…”

“He didn’t know. When I phoned him, I didn’t tell him the whole truth. Thank goodness, I managed to convince him to fly over despite that.”

“When he asked for a few days, he didn’t…”

“I don’t care what he said, Serena! I don’t bloody care – that’s not the point! She is dying – she wanted her children there, and you. I got Cameron to go, I’m still working on Charlotte – can’t bloody locate her, as missy has gone on a trip to “find herself”, and I hope you’re not going to be difficult. Surely it’s not too much to ask? She was ready to give up everything for you – surely you can grant her a last wish?”

“She – she told you about us, then?”

“Yes – she told me how she had offered to stay at Holby for you, and how you’d rejected her. But she also told me she was still in love with you, so I’m going to make damn sure she gets what she wants – even if it’s you.”

Serena slumped in her chair and put her head between her hands: “I – I don’t understand. I just – I don’t understand. What do you mean, dying? She was in perfect health the last time I saw her.”

“She’s dying of the heart you broke…” said Alex sarcastically, before biting her lips as she regretted her words. This wasn’t who she was. Being mean to the woman who had succeeded her in Bernie’s affection wouldn’t make her feel any happier. She went on in a softer tone: “I’m sorry, Serena. I shouldn’t have said that. She found out two months ago – aggressive cancer of the lungs. It was – too late.”

“I told her she had to stop smoking.” said Serena almost detachedly.

“It wouldn’t have made any difference,” said Alex sadly. “It was genetic. Her father died from that, you know.”

“She never told me…”

“She wouldn’t have – I’d bet she didn’t talk much about him. Or her mother. They didn’t get on – hated the fact she enlisted. They were never much in contact.”

“How – how come you…”

“How come I knew she was ill? I didn’t. I decided to accept another commission after…Well, after everything. Couldn’t settle in a civilian setting. And well – you know Bernie had sort of accepted another one too? Part-time – with her new Trauma wing – she helped trained war medics…So anyway – I heard through the grapevine she was in Kenya. Had an opportunity to go there for a while – army base in Nanyuki. Looked her up. Went to meet her for a drink and…

Alex closed her eyes as she remembered. Her shock at seeing Bernie, at least ten pounds underweight and white as a sheet. How Bernie hadn’t said anything until late into the night… And then, when Bernie had told her. How she had been struck dumb at first. Then how had babbled on about surely it wasn’t too late – surely there was a cure, something they could try. How Bernie could fly back to England and be treated there. But Bernie had just looked at her sadly and laid her head on Alex’s shoulder. How Alex’s hand had found her way into the blond hair, gently stroking the woman who was only a shadow of herself. The two women had remained entwined in silence all night, just holding each other. If only Alex could have infused her strength to Bernie through simple contact, she would have given her everything. She opened her eyes again and looked at Serena, who had suddenly aged ten years.

“Will I – will I be in time to…”, asked the latter in a small voice.

“I hope so, Serena. I think so – but you’ll have to hurry. Bern will hang on as long as she can, but she’s weak.”

_Two days later in Nairobi_

When Serena arrived into Bernie’s room at the hospital, she found her asleep. Cameron was there too, angled awkwardly in a chair at her bedside, also asleep. She took a deep breath at the door, her eyes getting used to the tableau. The tubes and monitors surrounding Bernie, which she had seen so many times on her own patients, were a painful reminder of Eleanor’s last moments. In slumber, Bernie’s face seemed almost peaceful, although new pain lines had been etched in her face. Serena finally stepped into the room and put a hand on Cameron’s shoulder, who woke up with a jolt. He smiled at her, a weary but grateful smile. It was a lot to take in for him, especially as he hadn’t exactly thought kindly of his mother lately. Without being asked, he motioned for Serena to take his chair and slipped out of the room. Serena glanced at the notes at the end of Bernie’s bed, but she already knew there was nothing she could do. She kissed Bernie’s forehead without waking her and sat down, taking the blonde’s hand in hers. Bernie’s eyelids fluttered and she opened her eyes: “Serena – I’m – I’m so sorry – so sorry.”

Serena’s eyes grew wide in astonishment: “You – you’re – sorry?”

“Yes – I should have fought harder. For you. For us. I should have remained in England. Or come back. I should…”

“Hush, darling. It was all my fault. Please don’t say that. Please – please don’t say that.”

“Thank you for coming. I – I was hoping you would.”

“Alex can be pretty convincing”, said Serena with a small smile. “I wouldn’t have put it past her to bring me at gunpoint.”

Bernie smiled too: “She is a good friend.” Then, in a sadder tone, she added: “She didn’t succeed with Charlotte, though. But – you’re here.”

“I’m here, darling – I’m not going anywhere.”

Bernie struggled to stay awake as the pain meds made her drowsy: “For eternity.”

“For eternity.”

When Bernie died two days later, no one was in the room with her. Alex had finally persuaded Serena to go back to her hotel and have a shower, Serena had taken Cameron with her for the same purpose and Alex, after several sleepless nights, had finally succumbed to sleep in one of the staff’s on-call room.

“She didn’t want us to be there after all,” murmured Serena brokenly to Alex.

“We were – we were there for her when it mattered.”

The two women tried their best to comfort Cameron, who had crumbled at the news. It helped them deal with their own grief. United in sorrow, they each dealt in their own way – Alex, dried-eyed and stoic, clenching and unclenching her fists in an unconscious gesture, and Serena sobbing quietly in a tissue.

“But I wasn’t, Alex – I should have been with her – always – every step of the way.”

“No use blaming yourself now – you came when she asked for you.”

“I did,” replied Serena quietly. “But it was too late.”


End file.
